Gifts from My Daughter

Today--and every day--I am very grateful for my daughter. She is most likely a miracle in a myriad of ways. She will soon be turning 10 years old, and yet her character reflects many more years of experience than her actual existence in this reality on this planet.

I know it is a parent's job to enrich the lives of your children and teach them all that you know in order to prepare them for the real world. I am smart enough to know that I do not have all the knowledge she will need for every contingency, but I do try to give her what I can. However, in the 10 years I have had the privilege to know her, my daughter has taught me many life lessons that I have either forgotten or never had the opportunity to think about.

She has certainly helped me on my way to learning true patience. Nothing is more frustrating for me than trying to teach someone something that I find second nature. It is too easy to forget how long it took me to learn a skill set or come to understand a concept. I know it now, I use the knowledge on a regular basis. I don't remember, or don't want to remember, how hard it was to gain that knowledge. And yet, when I look at my daughter and see that she doesn't instantly "get it" when I try to explain something to her or show her how to do something, I realize that we all have a learning curve. Very rarely is that learning curve steep (instantaneous grasping of the concept or skill). Learning tends to be more gradual with a few leaps and bounds thrown in for fun. Any time I see her struggle, any time I see the pain and frustration on her face when I start to get frustrated by what I initially interpret as lack of progress, I am reminded to step back and put myself back in her shoes. I am reminded that I love her too much to hurt her that much. Yes, I do want her to gain the knowledge and experience, but I don't want her to suffer too much on her journey to enlightenment. This patience sometimes even leaks into other aspects of my life. While I am not the kindest or most benevolent teacher, any time I remember my daughter's lessons in patience I tend to be more understanding of my students--to a certain extent; I still want my students to take the majority of responsibility for their own education in my college courses.

She has also encouraged me to think before I act (or react, as the case often becomes). We very seldom stop to think about the consequences of our actions. We very seldom think about the impact of our words or method of communication on other people. As a species we seem to be rather self-centered. It's not easy to see the world through some one else's eyes. I believe this is the first important lesson that God was trying to drill into my thick skull, but I never fully understood it until I noticed how my daughter reacted when I raised my voice, used "the look" or smiled at the "right" moment. She has brought me closer to self-actualization by opening my eyes to the ways in which my actions, thoughts, behaviors, words, etc. affect her (and consequently others). Don't get me wrong, I have generally been sensitive to the ways others' perceptions of me are shaped by my behaviors. However, it was always in a selfish light--how they see me, what they think of me, whether their interactions toward me would be positive or negative. My daughter has taught me that the other side of the coin is not only how others react to me, but how those reactions actually affect them and their psychology. I spent so much time looking down upon the hypocritical selfish people, never realizing that I had slipped into the same trap. My daughter brought me back from that black hole, back to the path of personal growth.

My daughter reminded me how to enjoy life, in big ways and small ways. She showed me that there are simple pleasures in cute fuzzy things and innocence. She showed me what it is like to feel true unselfish pride in someone else's accomplishments, how to really feel happy for someone else's happiness. She reminds me that at the end of the day it's how much we love the person that is more important than why we love them. She reminds me that even though there are things that need to get done, there are seldom things the MUST be done right that second. There are times to stop and hug or laugh or tickle or stare. There are times to hold back the anger and there are ways to turn seemingly bad days into rays of sunshine. My daughter has taught me that sometimes putting work aside for family will not cost me many more hours to catch-up later (although, interestingly enough, I DO end up with extra hours of catch-up work when I goof off for selfish reasons; go figure). She has reminded me how to look at old ideas in new ways and she has inspired me with her creativity. She has also shown me better ways to give feedback, criticisms (I use this term in the technical manner, not with the negative connotations), comments, etc. in a way that will enrich the individual and give them an opportunity to grow without tearing down their self-esteem. She has also helped me understand that teaching someone is not the same as expecting them to do things the exact way you think is correct. I have learned through her personality that it is possible to learn something from someone and find a way to adapt it to make it your own. She has also taught me how to let go--grudges, expectations, anger, hurt, negativity, and many more things that can pull me down.

My daughter is only 9 (almost 10) at the time of this post, and yet I have discovered that she has been her own separate entity since the day she was born. She has a powerful (not overwhelming take-over-the-world powerful, but strong and confident) personality, a strong character, and a heart bigger than most people can handle. She is my guiding light, my inspiration, my anchor, my miracle when I need it most. I may not tell her every day, but I thank God for every moment He allows me to have her in my life and I thank Him for the chance to learn what real unselfish LOVE really is. Perhaps God doesn't give children to those who need to learn patience, but He does send them to people when they need to be reminded of His love and the endless possibilities that it can bring. I used to bemoan the fact that I may never have another child, that my daughter will grow up lonely as an only child. Then I realized that if I never do give her a sibling then she will be an even bigger miracle, an even greater gift, for having her in my life.

Teaching Psychology

They say you learn more by teaching. This is very true, especially in psychology. We have spent the last two weeks on the topic of stress and coping and each time I teach about it, I am reminded of the good habits of coping that I sometimes forget. Quite possibly the best coping mechanism, the one that certainly changed my life the most, is reflected in this blog itself. True, I haven't updated this blog in quite a while. Most of that is due to a busy life, sometimes it was because I could not think of a topic.

Well, today's topic is teaching. The lesson I have learned and have re-emphasized in my life and with my daughter has been the idea behind Rational Emotive Behavior therapy, Gestalt therapy, Cognitive Behavioral therapy, and Monty Python. Put simply--"Always look on the bright side of life!" Granted, there is much more theory and practice in the actual therapy methods mentioned, however, it boils down to a matter of perspective.

I have found that changing my view point to one of more optimism, more logic, and more a critical thinking has reduced the potential stress I experience on a regular basis. Yes, sometimes I do meet a frustration initially with an expletive (not necessarily a cuss word [Nutbunnies is not usually offensive]), yet I quickly remind myself to slow down and think about the situation with a 360 degree view (or at least a 180 to get the opposite viewpoint). This is a lesson that I hope my students eventually have drilled into their brains, as I have noticed that something like 99% [note that 84% of statistics are made up on the fly to try to prove a point] of the stress people experience is directly or indirectly due to their insistence on worrying about a decision that has already been made. Usually that decision is to see the stressor in a negative light. [Okay, I would actually like to see some real statistics and I know it is possible to develop a research study--or find one--that demonstrates the correlation, if not causal effect, between cognitive appraisal and stress experiences]. This is the greatest lesson I learned while teaching psychology.

I have learned other lessons, as well. I have learned basic biology and anatomy (being required to teach the biological brain chapters encourages me to look up the information myself so I don't look like too big of a fool during the lessons). I have reinforced my education in motivation and personality. Most importantly, not only am I refreshing my memory on the topics, but I am also finding new ways to actually APPLY the material to my everyday life, not just in the classroom. That's what I love about teaching psychology. The subject is not just academic and scientific, it is also very applicable to the real world.

Things like using and recognizing compliance tactics, acknowledging an individual's unique motivational sphere, and understanding how and why people operate and think differently via the influence of their personality and past experiences has helped me to navigate the social realms much more easily. I do not have a slew of friends (real or Facebook--I don't use FB much any more besides checking in with some interest groups) or hundreds of followers on Twitter (@eowyn35 is my username, but I only tweet about my craft projects as a personal rule), nor do I have any readers of this blog. However, I have my methods for interacting with others that keeps my stress at a minimum and I am teaching many of these methods to my daughter. So far she has been able to self-correct some of her self-defeating behaviors (pessimistic thinking, irrational cognition). As a result, she is able to handle her very busy schedule with relative ease, has less difficulty with the less-than-perfect social interactions at school than I ever did, and is a mentally healthy child. She still has problems, I still experience stress, but I believe our stress levels are much lower than they could be if we did not apply these lessons from psychology.

Teaching keeps the information fresh in a teacher's mind. Some lessons in a subject are more useful than others. The most important thing is to find a useful way to apply it. The more I teach, the more I find ways to apply my knowledge and plant idea seeds in my students' mind gardens. Whether those seeds grow for them is a choice they will have to make for themselves. I have been enjoying the fruits of my harvest for 8 years now and I hope to continue to do so for many more years to come.

Cliched Movies

So many people use movie titles or lines, or some vague rewording of a movie title or well-known line, in their every day communications. I am sure that some people learned them from others without ever having seen or heard of the movie that is referenced. Examples include "Play it again, Sam" from Casablanca or singing some version of "Singing in the Rain" during a thunderstorm. One of the ones I encounter quite often is "the good, the bad, and the ugly" from the Clint Eastwood movie of that title. Yes, I have actually seen the movie, though only once and most of my memory for it is fuzzy. My daughter and I have modified it as a conversation starter for after school.

I got tired of asking her how her day went and getting the same noncommittal response of "fine" or "okay" even when things weren't so great. So, I tweaked the "'good, bad, ugly" into each of us talking about our good, bad, and odd of the day. I figured ugly could be interpreted as just adding a second negative, so we talk about our odd to mention something funny, weird, or interesting (either positive, negative or neutral) from our day. This has allowed us to learn more about each other and to spark more conversations than the typical "how was your day" would illicit. Also, it helps us balance pessimism with optimism by requiring at least one "good" to be found throughout the day. It's not always easy, but I have found that it helps keep us looking on the bright side of our day so we don't come home with too much stress or negative emotions. Plus, I'm regularly conversing with my daughter and encouraging her to keep me in the loop.

So, thank you to Luciano Vincenzoni and Sergio Lenone for creating one of the most cliched, yet relevant and useful titles I have ever encountered.

Finding the Positive

It certainly has been quite a while since I posted here. Don't get me wrong, I still have had plenty to be grateful for in all that time, I simply did not feel motivated enough (or something else continuously came up) to post.

I thought I would try an exercise that I often ask my psychology students to try. I am going to evaluate the past week and list 20 positive things that occurred from October 12, 2011 to October 19, 2011. I always claim to them that it should be easy when you make the attempt and that the exercise itself helps to reduce stress by highlighting the positives. So, here goes.

1. Finally set up a date for my daughter's tonsillectomy.
2. Finally got the evaluation for my daughter's speech and physical therapy and will begin sessions soon.
3. My body seems to finally be adapting to my prescription.
4. My follow-up appointment went well.
5. I had quite a few classes with an early lecture so my students could have class time to work on their team projects.
6. All team projects were completed in a single day, with no overflow.
7. An unanswered question about a student was finally settled.
8. I discovered a graphic novel series (Amelia Rules!) that both my daughter and I can appreciate.
9. I successfully made dinner more than half the week.
10. I kept up with the dishes for 4 days in a row.
11. I made it almost a complete week without shouting at my daughter in the morning.
12. I made more progress in Lego Universe for both of my characters.
13. I discovered a new recipe for a breakfast food that my daughter enjoys--popovers.
14. I am only 2 quizzes behind on my grading.
15. I will most likely not have to stay up until 3am the night my grades are due because most of the assignments I have left to grade are quick reads.
16. I had fewer than 10 students with more than 6 (out of 25) missing assignments with only one week of the semester to go.
17. My schedule adjustments worked out perfectly.
18. I made it through an entire week without taking a nap.
19. My sunburn is not as sore as it was a couple days ago.
20. I made it to the bottom of this list and I can still think about more things to add!

So, I did it. I came up with 20 positive things from the past 7 days. This was actually quite easy and enjoyable to accomplish. I may try this again. My to-do list has not dissipated, but it is good to remind yourself every once in a while about what you are capable of doing through the evidence.

I shall endeavor to post once again at a shorter interval. Stay positive!

Birthdays

I don't particularly care for my birthday. I don't have a rational explanation as to why, I suppose I simply do not enjoy the thought of empty well-wishes from near strangers. I have removed my birthday from Facebook so that I do not get those fake sentiments from others. Let's face it, of the 103 "friends" I have on Facebook (a mere pittance by social networking standards), I only speak to a handful on a semi-regular basis and I rarely comment on other people's status posts. That's just me.

So, when my birthday rolled around recently (I'm not revealing the date), only my family contacted me with well wishes. My husband and daughter treated me to dinner and Lego Pirates. I treated myself to Pirates 4, courtesy of my parents. My older brother called and my sister-in-law (brother's wife) sent me a text. That's it. That was enough. I know where I stand with them and I know who my "friends" are (not many, by the birthday rule, but then again, I'm an extreme introvert, so I'm not really hurt). It's something like the "It's a Wonderful Life" phenomenon. Just about everyone at one point in their life wonders if they have made an impact on others and if they will be missed or remembered. One way to do that is to simply not remind anyone of your birthday and see if you're important enough for them to remember when it rolls around. You only tell them your birthday once, then leave the rest up to them.

Do I remember other people's birthdays? Yes, I keep track of the important ones. I don't wish a Facebook "friend" Happy Birthday unless I mean it. This does not mean that I wish them harm, it just means that I take the definition of a relationship bond seriously and I don't want to demean it with an empty gesture.

The other reason to be grateful for birthdays is a reminder of another year of gifts and graces from God. They represent the beginning of another year in which to make your mark on this world, to do good for others, to learn and grow in your personal journey. Another year older truly is a celebration. Perhaps that is why I am particular about with whom I celebrate it.

Standardized Testing

I know many people view testing, especially standardized testing, with much trepidation, fear, dread, horror, and/or disdain. I have always seen it in a different light.

As a tester, I loved taking standardized tests. This was the one time I could be in a truly quiet and focused classroom. I enjoyed the opportunity to answer challenging questions at my own pace with very few distractions from other individuals who were not on the same motivational plane as I. Honestly, I always came out of any standardized test (SAT, NEDT, Iowa, etc.) the same way I now come out of a meditation session: refreshed, relaxed, with renewed focus. I never suffered from test anxiety on standardized tests. I was leery of course tests, though.

As an instructor, standardized testing provides me with a break from the all-too-often discouraging prospect of trying to enlighten students who are in my class forcibly (not by choice). It gets tedious and depressing to see students day after day sleeping, playing on cell phones, reading, or talking while I am trying to pass on knowledge. It's insulting and hurtful. BUT, this blog is about positives, so let's go back to that. As an instructor of a college course at a high school, I fit nicely into the loop hole so that I don't actually have to deal directly with the standardized testing environment. I don't have to pace the room in near-boredom, watch-dogging students to ensure they are on task and not cheating somehow. I get a relaxed schedule and a "free day" this year.

As a parent, I get to encourage my child and give her the stress inoculation tools that I try to instill in my students. I have found that the more confidence I have in her, the more confidence she has in herself. That is exceedingly rewarding and heart-warming. In addition, she does not have homework to bring home, so that's one less "fight" or "tooth-pulling" session to worry about.

My Mother

There are times when dejection and depression set in, primarily due to stress. There are times when I question my sanity and purpose in life. There are times when I wonder if I'm doing any good on this earth. There are times when there seems to be no reason to keep working, when I have a desire to quit fighting, when I think I should stop persevering day to day, when I just want to give up.

At times like these, all I really need is a talk with someone who really cares about me. That's when I'm grateful for my mother. She's not a perfect woman and I didn't have an idyllic childhood. Neither did I have a disastrous, chaotic childhood. I do know that she loves me, though. Just hearing her voice, when all the other voices in my life seem to be ignoring me, lifts my spirits. I'll admit that I don't always listen to her advice. I don't know of any child who doesn't believe that they know what's best for them. But I do understand that the fact that she's giving me advice means that she is listening to my woes and that she cares enough to help me.

Moms are all too often taken for granted. Too often do we doubt their intelligence or their sanity. Too often do we undervalue their worth, their contributions to our health and well-being. I thank God for my mother, for just one person who can bring me back from the brink, letting me know that there is always a reason to keep plodding along.