Motherhood

Before anyone rails against this post and points out any holes in my sentiment I will come forward and make some of your arguments for you. 1) I only have one child, so I "wouldn't know what it's like to keep getting pregnant", etc., or what it was like to deal with a toddler while carrying a baby on my hip. 2) My pregnancy was not riddled with illness or pain. I had morning sickness for maybe two days. I got heart-burn in my 7th or 8th month, but that was about it. I wasn't even fully aware that the sensations I was feeling around my due date were contractions at the time because they felt like mild cramps. So, no, I can't speak for hard pregnancies or hard labor. 3) My daughter was born when I was 22 years old, so I don't have direct experience with either a teen pregnancy or a late-life pregnancy. 4) I never showed. Almost no one knew or could tell I was pregnant unless I told them; I only told a few people who I felt needed to know, like my teachers as my due date came near and my parents. Therefore, I never had to deal with embarrassing questions or looks. 5) Because of complications my daughter was born via cesarean, so I never got to experience "natural" childbirth with all of the pain and craziness most people think about.

Okay, so in the "my life sucks" game, I don't get very many points for my pregnancy or child-birth experiences. I could pull out other cards to gain some life-suck points. a) I was (and always have been) obese during the pregnancy so my doctors did judge me and expect me to come down with all kinds of illnesses like diabetes and heart disease. b) I did not have insurance to cover me as I was not married, though engaged, at the time I became pregnant [we were married before our daughter was born]. c) I was finishing my first master's degree and working on my second master's degree during my pregnancy, while working on my internship. d) My husband was also working on his bachelor's degree at the same time, so money was not readily available, though we did manage. No, I don't get too many life-suck points. I don't really want them, either. I stopped playing that game a long time ago when I met people who insisted on playing to win and I realized that the "prize" was not something I wanted.

What I want to say with this post is, even though I did not have too many problems during my pregnancy, I would still do it all over again. I have heard many people--men and women, but mostly women--say that if women only knew all the "stuff" (often a stronger word is used) that they had to go through during pregnancy, then they would never have sex. Sorry, this is grade-A bull flop. Millions of women, fully aware of the consequences of coitus, still engage in sexual behavior every day. Some don't think too consciously about the consequences, some just don't care. Sex, especially in a loving relationship, has too great an emotional and physical draw to abandon all together. For me, I knew full well of possibilities and consequences. That didn't stop me and I have no regrets. Physical sensations were not even the greatest reward for me. My daughter is. I would go through Hell and back, suffer anything possible, even bad sex, in order to bring her into this world alive and well. I gave up caffeine for her, which was the hardest thing for a grad-student with a full load and a job to do. I don't smoke or drink or do drugs, so there was no worry there. I had to be more careful with my diet, which is never easy for someone who has always been overweight. I did feel like a failure as a woman when they told me they had to perform a c-section, but I didn't care when I heard my beautiful little girl cry for the first time. As we weren't married yet, I knew that there might be repercussions, looks, judgements, etc. for me if I gave birth. I knew that there was a possibility that I might have become a single mother. I knew that there was a chance that I might have had to postpone my second masters degree. However, terminating the pregnancy or giving up my baby for adoption was NEVER!!! an option for me. I chose to deal with anything I had to in order to bring her into this world and care for her for the rest of my life.

I have never told my daughter about my pregnancy in any way to incite guilt for her existence. I would never tell her that my life would be easier or more glamorous or that I'd have more money if I didn't have her. I just can't bring myself to believe that. I find I have a hard time understanding a mother who tells her child "I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it!" when she gets angry at them. I also shake my head at the mother who uses the circumstances of her pregnancy and/or childbirth (e.g. "I was in labor for 36 hours and you can't even wash the dishes for me?!") to guilt their child into something. I don't get angry at my daughter. I get angry at the results of some of her behaviors. I get frustrated with things that she does or doesn't do. I become upset sometimes with things that are said or done. But I am never mad or disappointed with her. I love my daughter more than anything. I cannot imagine a world without her. When I give up my time or my money or anything else for her, I don't do it begrudgingly, but with my whole heart. I do spend most of my non-work time either with my daughter or doing things for her. I do spend just about every free, non-debt associated penny I have on her. However, it's not because I "have to" but, rather, because I genuinely want to. I want her as the center of my life. If that means that my life dreams have to wait until she is older and doesn't need me as much, then so be it. I don't see it as a phony martyr self-sacrifice. It's a choice that I willingly made with my full commitment behind it.

I have not forgotten my husband. Sometimes he does take a back seat to my daughter's needs and I do feel guilty for that. However, I still have her very first (his is the first-and-a-half position, not second, but not quite at first) in my heart. I know I don't always show her that. This is where I tend to fail as a mother. That doesn't change the fact, though. And yes, I believe I would feel the exact same way, and maybe even more so, if I had the most complicated and painful pregnancy every known to humanity. Motherhood for me is not a duty, an obligation, a chore, something I have to do or deal with. It is the most precious gift anyone can ever bestow upon me and I am exceedingly grateful that my daughter brought this gift to me.

Summer Time

I know just about everyone relishes the idea of summer. I do not particularly enjoy the increased temperature, but the time is very gratitude inducing. And for the record, I don't enjoy the cold, either. I'm more of an 80 degree type of person with low humidity and partial cloud cover with no threat of rain. Yeah, I know it's not often I get this ideal weather. Perhaps that's part of the reason I enjoy it so much.

But I'm writing about summer. At the moment (and for the last 4 years) I teach college courses part-time at a local high school. I'm basically on loan (lease?) during the school year. This means that I am pretty much free during the summer. Well, I would be completely free--and completely insane--if I didn't have at least one summer class to teach. This year I happen to have just one class (a blow to the old bank account, but better than being completely unemployed) during the day when my daughter is in summer day camp. We decided to try a different summer camp [Note: these are all day camps that begin at 9am and end at 12pm, 2pm, or 4pm, depending on the particular camp] each week. My class begins after her camp starts and ends before she gets out of camp each day. And, the college is central to just about every camp location. This means that my daughter and I get to spend more time together than we do during the regular school year.

No, I don't spend every free moment with her. As an extreme introvert this would drive me nuts, no matter how much I love my daughter. I need some me time each day or I would completely lose it. But, I've managed to find time to work on filling in some gaps in her education--going into 5th grade, she was never taught phonics in school!--and keep her mind sharp in fun ways without turning it into homeschooling. We work on math a little--compete worksheets found online and play Yahtzee! together. We emphasize reading each day--she reads for close to an hour then writes a blog about what she read. Once a week is "science" day--biology/botany in the form of planting and caring for a garden, chemistry in the kitchen, etc. We will also play games like Operation or Lego building games to emphasize other sciences. I haven't quite figured out the "history" day yet, though I'm sure it will include ancient cultures--reading more Percy Jackson for Greek culture, Egypt stories, etc.--and American history (I love the History Channel's educational shows). Plus, we'll probably play something like Risk or some other historical based game that my husband tends to collect. As an avid crafter, we are throwing in an arts & crafts day each week as well. This will be an opportunity for both of us to stretch our creativity (and work on our Dragon*Con costumes!) at least once a week. I am not forgetting physical education. That will be covered with swimming or shopping. Yes, shopping is exercise, especially the way I do it--wandering around the store for an hour or two before finally settling on a purchase.

All-in-all my daughter is and will be learning quite a bit this summer, and I will be "teaching" her much. We have the first opportunity this year to actually spend some real quality time together without worrying about sending her away to visit the grandparents or anything like that. Believe it or not, this will be the first summer that I get to spend with my daughter, minus the week she's going to Disney World without me--I don't have the luxury of taking vacation until after my class is over because the time frame is so condensed. I feel confident in my plan and so far it seems to be working out well enough.

Overview of her camps:
Week 1: VBS camp at our church
Week 2: world cultures at the college
Week 3: dance camp
Week 4: Disney World with her dad
Week 5: camp at zoo
Week 6: science/engineering camp
Week 7: performing arts camp at the college

It's very likely that the next series of posts to this blog will be an overview of each of the camps as they conclude. No, I will not forget the squirrel of the month on the 28th, either.

The Wonders of YouTube

I know, I know, everyone and their grandmother knows all about YouTube. It has become an everyday household world like Google and Facebook. There are many reasons why YouTube is a valuable resource, beyond its entertainment value. There are many reasons why some people consider YouTube a work of evil. This is about positivity, so I'll focus on the good points, specifically two points: education value and nostalgia value.

In one of the courses I teach my students have to create a personality profile on a fictional psychological professional. Characters such as Dr. Ben Sobel from Analyze This and Analyze That are fair game. They just have to have a psychology degree and, preferably, be "working" in some psychology-related field. That's not too hard to do, since there are over 50 divisions of the American Psychological Association, representing thousands of career opportunities. Recently, one of my groups [waiting to the last minute, of course] discovered that they could not obtain their source material (i.e. the original movies in which their character appeared) and I did not have a copy. So, I did a quick search on YouTube for the [character] + [movie] and found several clips from the films in which their character appeared. They will hopefully be able to observe enough of the character's behavior to put together a decent personality profile and it will probably end up saving time in the long run since they won't have to watch the entire movie, just the main clips with their character. I will admit, though, that I hope more of my students will plan their projects better (I give them the entire semester to work on it) and not have to resort to this, but I am glad that YouTube is there as a last resort so I don't have to fail anyone.

Also in the teaching category, while I do try to show The Simpsons [see previous post] in my classes as often as possible, sometimes I can find a quick, shorter video on YouTube that illustrates one of our topics more quickly with a similar entertainment value. One of the two videos I've used most frequently is a clip from "A Bat Divided" (Batman the Brave and the Bold) showing Batman split into the three parts of Freud's personality--id (slacker eating nachos), ego (logical science), superego (raging crime fighter). The other clip I like to use is a short segment from Robot Chicken involving a giraffe progressing through Kubler-Ross's five stages of dying--denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. The ideas stick in my students' minds so that all I have to do when we review for a test is mention the clips and all the information comes flooding back to them.

On the nostalgia front, raise your hand if you are a child of the 80s/90s. I am. I, like many others of my generation, grew up with a lot of great cartoons. Do you remember Tiny Toons, Anamaniacs, or Freekazoid? I know a lot of the old shows we watched as kids have been released on DVD and I'm glad because I can relieve my childhood while sharing them with my daughter. Sadly, many studios--Warner Brothers, especially!--have not gotten around to releasing their shows to DVD, Netflix, or syndication. But I was lucky enough to find clips from these and other shows on YouTube. Now my daughter understands a little bit about my weirdness and she loves the shows just as much as I did. Sure, sometimes you have to sift through a lot of detritus to find the treasure, but the nuggets found are worth it.

What do you use YouTube for, mostly?

Gifts from My Daughter

Today--and every day--I am very grateful for my daughter. She is most likely a miracle in a myriad of ways. She will soon be turning 10 years old, and yet her character reflects many more years of experience than her actual existence in this reality on this planet.

I know it is a parent's job to enrich the lives of your children and teach them all that you know in order to prepare them for the real world. I am smart enough to know that I do not have all the knowledge she will need for every contingency, but I do try to give her what I can. However, in the 10 years I have had the privilege to know her, my daughter has taught me many life lessons that I have either forgotten or never had the opportunity to think about.

She has certainly helped me on my way to learning true patience. Nothing is more frustrating for me than trying to teach someone something that I find second nature. It is too easy to forget how long it took me to learn a skill set or come to understand a concept. I know it now, I use the knowledge on a regular basis. I don't remember, or don't want to remember, how hard it was to gain that knowledge. And yet, when I look at my daughter and see that she doesn't instantly "get it" when I try to explain something to her or show her how to do something, I realize that we all have a learning curve. Very rarely is that learning curve steep (instantaneous grasping of the concept or skill). Learning tends to be more gradual with a few leaps and bounds thrown in for fun. Any time I see her struggle, any time I see the pain and frustration on her face when I start to get frustrated by what I initially interpret as lack of progress, I am reminded to step back and put myself back in her shoes. I am reminded that I love her too much to hurt her that much. Yes, I do want her to gain the knowledge and experience, but I don't want her to suffer too much on her journey to enlightenment. This patience sometimes even leaks into other aspects of my life. While I am not the kindest or most benevolent teacher, any time I remember my daughter's lessons in patience I tend to be more understanding of my students--to a certain extent; I still want my students to take the majority of responsibility for their own education in my college courses.

She has also encouraged me to think before I act (or react, as the case often becomes). We very seldom stop to think about the consequences of our actions. We very seldom think about the impact of our words or method of communication on other people. As a species we seem to be rather self-centered. It's not easy to see the world through some one else's eyes. I believe this is the first important lesson that God was trying to drill into my thick skull, but I never fully understood it until I noticed how my daughter reacted when I raised my voice, used "the look" or smiled at the "right" moment. She has brought me closer to self-actualization by opening my eyes to the ways in which my actions, thoughts, behaviors, words, etc. affect her (and consequently others). Don't get me wrong, I have generally been sensitive to the ways others' perceptions of me are shaped by my behaviors. However, it was always in a selfish light--how they see me, what they think of me, whether their interactions toward me would be positive or negative. My daughter has taught me that the other side of the coin is not only how others react to me, but how those reactions actually affect them and their psychology. I spent so much time looking down upon the hypocritical selfish people, never realizing that I had slipped into the same trap. My daughter brought me back from that black hole, back to the path of personal growth.

My daughter reminded me how to enjoy life, in big ways and small ways. She showed me that there are simple pleasures in cute fuzzy things and innocence. She showed me what it is like to feel true unselfish pride in someone else's accomplishments, how to really feel happy for someone else's happiness. She reminds me that at the end of the day it's how much we love the person that is more important than why we love them. She reminds me that even though there are things that need to get done, there are seldom things the MUST be done right that second. There are times to stop and hug or laugh or tickle or stare. There are times to hold back the anger and there are ways to turn seemingly bad days into rays of sunshine. My daughter has taught me that sometimes putting work aside for family will not cost me many more hours to catch-up later (although, interestingly enough, I DO end up with extra hours of catch-up work when I goof off for selfish reasons; go figure). She has reminded me how to look at old ideas in new ways and she has inspired me with her creativity. She has also shown me better ways to give feedback, criticisms (I use this term in the technical manner, not with the negative connotations), comments, etc. in a way that will enrich the individual and give them an opportunity to grow without tearing down their self-esteem. She has also helped me understand that teaching someone is not the same as expecting them to do things the exact way you think is correct. I have learned through her personality that it is possible to learn something from someone and find a way to adapt it to make it your own. She has also taught me how to let go--grudges, expectations, anger, hurt, negativity, and many more things that can pull me down.

My daughter is only 9 (almost 10) at the time of this post, and yet I have discovered that she has been her own separate entity since the day she was born. She has a powerful (not overwhelming take-over-the-world powerful, but strong and confident) personality, a strong character, and a heart bigger than most people can handle. She is my guiding light, my inspiration, my anchor, my miracle when I need it most. I may not tell her every day, but I thank God for every moment He allows me to have her in my life and I thank Him for the chance to learn what real unselfish LOVE really is. Perhaps God doesn't give children to those who need to learn patience, but He does send them to people when they need to be reminded of His love and the endless possibilities that it can bring. I used to bemoan the fact that I may never have another child, that my daughter will grow up lonely as an only child. Then I realized that if I never do give her a sibling then she will be an even bigger miracle, an even greater gift, for having her in my life.

Cliched Movies

So many people use movie titles or lines, or some vague rewording of a movie title or well-known line, in their every day communications. I am sure that some people learned them from others without ever having seen or heard of the movie that is referenced. Examples include "Play it again, Sam" from Casablanca or singing some version of "Singing in the Rain" during a thunderstorm. One of the ones I encounter quite often is "the good, the bad, and the ugly" from the Clint Eastwood movie of that title. Yes, I have actually seen the movie, though only once and most of my memory for it is fuzzy. My daughter and I have modified it as a conversation starter for after school.

I got tired of asking her how her day went and getting the same noncommittal response of "fine" or "okay" even when things weren't so great. So, I tweaked the "'good, bad, ugly" into each of us talking about our good, bad, and odd of the day. I figured ugly could be interpreted as just adding a second negative, so we talk about our odd to mention something funny, weird, or interesting (either positive, negative or neutral) from our day. This has allowed us to learn more about each other and to spark more conversations than the typical "how was your day" would illicit. Also, it helps us balance pessimism with optimism by requiring at least one "good" to be found throughout the day. It's not always easy, but I have found that it helps keep us looking on the bright side of our day so we don't come home with too much stress or negative emotions. Plus, I'm regularly conversing with my daughter and encouraging her to keep me in the loop.

So, thank you to Luciano Vincenzoni and Sergio Lenone for creating one of the most cliched, yet relevant and useful titles I have ever encountered.

Standardized Testing

I know many people view testing, especially standardized testing, with much trepidation, fear, dread, horror, and/or disdain. I have always seen it in a different light.

As a tester, I loved taking standardized tests. This was the one time I could be in a truly quiet and focused classroom. I enjoyed the opportunity to answer challenging questions at my own pace with very few distractions from other individuals who were not on the same motivational plane as I. Honestly, I always came out of any standardized test (SAT, NEDT, Iowa, etc.) the same way I now come out of a meditation session: refreshed, relaxed, with renewed focus. I never suffered from test anxiety on standardized tests. I was leery of course tests, though.

As an instructor, standardized testing provides me with a break from the all-too-often discouraging prospect of trying to enlighten students who are in my class forcibly (not by choice). It gets tedious and depressing to see students day after day sleeping, playing on cell phones, reading, or talking while I am trying to pass on knowledge. It's insulting and hurtful. BUT, this blog is about positives, so let's go back to that. As an instructor of a college course at a high school, I fit nicely into the loop hole so that I don't actually have to deal directly with the standardized testing environment. I don't have to pace the room in near-boredom, watch-dogging students to ensure they are on task and not cheating somehow. I get a relaxed schedule and a "free day" this year.

As a parent, I get to encourage my child and give her the stress inoculation tools that I try to instill in my students. I have found that the more confidence I have in her, the more confidence she has in herself. That is exceedingly rewarding and heart-warming. In addition, she does not have homework to bring home, so that's one less "fight" or "tooth-pulling" session to worry about.

Homework

My husband enjoys a good book, too.

As a teacher, you would think that I don't particularly care for homework because I have to grade it. Part of that is true. It does take a lot of my time to get all 180 of my students' papers graded (that's per assignment, by the way). Being a psychology instructor, however, the type of assignments I hand out gives me the opportunity to get to know my students a little better.

This is not really what this post is about, though. Today I am grateful for my daughter's homework. Yep, I'm glad my daughter's teacher gives her homework every night. The best part is that it is consistent. There is math, reading, and spelling every day. The math my daughter completes after school before I pick her up. The spelling can be fun--if you have the spelling tick-tac-toe assignments, then you know how that works, so she doesn't complain as much this year. And the reading is now a blessing. She does have a specific story she has to read once a week, which she tests on later in class, but she also gets to read anything for 20 minutes each day. At least, that's how we've been interpreting the assignment. :-) This wondrous time allows me to read my book while she quietly reads hers. I don't care if it's a storybook or a comic book, as long as my kid is reading. I actually got to finish the 12th book of the Wheel of Time thanks in part to the reading homework assignment. So, "Yay reading!"

Bath Time

I am not only thankful for bath time in general, but also for the large bath I have in our master bedroom. My daughter is growing at a rapid pace (she's 8 and already past 4'3"), so anything that allows her to still play like other little, smaller, kids is a boon. Bath time in our house means I can walk away from her for half an hour while she plays in the water. This gives me some relaxing down time during an hour when I am still conscious, before the caffeine wears off and cares of the day pull me down. When she gets bored, I scrub her down and wash her hair thoroughly. By the time we're finished it's off to bed. I can sometimes get in a story or a song while I'm scrubbing or drying. Then it's easier to tuck her in. She's clean, warm, happy, and ready for dream land. And I'm more relaxed and ready for another hour or two of productivity--grading papers, doing dishes, catching up on TV or crafts, etc.

Arm & Hammer Kid's Spinbrush My Way

Okay, that last post was a little preachy (though true). I did have another thing I'm grateful for today. [NOTE: This is NOT a paid endorsement or advertisement! This is an honest encounter with a real-life product.]

My daughter has been begging me for an electronic toothbrush for months. I've been reluctant because I didn't want to waste money on a product she was not likely to use, especially when there are much cheaper ignorable options available (like the free toothbrush we get from the dentist at our regular check-ups). Well, I was in a relatively good mood and I felt like encouraging her creativity, so I gave in and purchased this product. As soon as we got home she opened up the package and decorated it in her own style. She likes the idea of the "waterproof" stickers. My daughter was so happy with the gadget that she even said "I'm going to go brush my teeth now, since I forgot to brush them this morning." I was astounded! First of all, I usually get the usual lie--"Yes, Mom" or something like that--when I ask if she brushed her teeth. Second, I didn't even have to suggest it to her. She came up with it on her own! This could be the magic wand I needed in order to reduce future orthodontic bills for my darling's smile. We'll see, but I have hope.