Being Used as an Excuse for Others

It's been quite a while since I posted a "grateful" thought on this blog. It's not that I haven't been grateful. On the contrary, despite the fact that (at least on paper) my life is pretty dismal, I've discovered many blessings that I might not have appreciated as much if I were employed and financially independent. That being said, I'm going to take a step back and preface this positive spin post with a rant.

******************WARNING! Rant ahead!*******************

Skip to the bottom if you wish to avoid the following negative vibes.

I am sick and tired of people using my daughter as an excuse to do whatever they please. Her father's family had (probably still does, but she hasn't seen much of them thanks to the divorce) a nasty habit of asking my daughter if she wanted to do something, then completely ignoring her requests. Also, they have a tendency to "do things" for my daughter that she neither asked for nor wanted, such as shopping "for her" only to get something for her that is either inappropriate for her age or that doesn't fit her properly or that isn't her style. When they take her to places that are supposed to be fun, like a theme park, she spends almost the entire time being dragged around to whatever they want to do or what they "think" she might want to do, without actually consulting her. She is also forced to eat on THEIR meal schedule, instead of when she actually gets hungry. The same goes for bathroom breaks and rests. If they're not tired, then she must not be.

I'm trying to teach my daughter how to find the positives in even the bleakest of situations. However, she's a very intelligent child, always has been, and she can tell when she's being used. No one deserves to be ignored or forced to do what others want. I understand that it is not easy to find balance among people, especially when the number of different personalities and interests increases with the size of the group. However, completely ignoring any one person almost all the time, or completely giving in to any ONE person almost all the time, does not build relationships. Each person deserves at least close to a fair share of time and attention when in a group. The modified exception might be if you are celebrating one person, such as on their birthday. Even then, to completely ignore everyone, treating them as accessories or slaves, defeats the purpose of inviting them to share in your celebration. It's even worse when the person who is supposed to be celebrated is the one who is ignored.

Enter my real rant for the day [I promise, I WILL get to the optimism later in the post!].

My daughter is new to her school. It's a pre-K through 8th grade Catholic school. I knew it would take a while for her to make friends for a variety of reasons--she's living in an apartment with just her currently unemployed single mom and our turtle while almost all of the other kids come from well-to-do families of multiple siblings and professional working parents; she's advanced in all of her classes except English because of a speech issue; we're relatively new to the area so we had to establish ourselves in everything; my daughter is a "warrior princess" type of geek (loves typical girly things like Disney Princesses and MLP: FIM as well as typical boy stuff like comics and video games); we don't have cable so she doesn't keep up with the latest trendy shows and she's not on Facebook (thank God!) or Vine [she does have a Google account and Twitter, but doesn't check them often]; she's also highly emotionally intelligent, so she doesn't suffer fools very well, but she's sensitive and has a strong moral compass, so she ends up fuming inside and getting hurt because she's not the type of person to bully back. 

After all of this, she was thrilled to have made two friends towards the beginning of the school year who seemed to actually care about her. My daughter poured out some of her burdens to them, letting them know about the divorce and how our budget was stretched so tight it would snap at any moment. The friends seemed to be genuinely caring when they suggested that they plan a special day for her. See, many people who have been to a Disney theme park in either California or Florida have seen the tiny little tots flouncing around in their store-bought frilly princess dresses and glittered hair and make-up. What I didn't know was that there is an age cap for the service at the Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique, where all the little princesses are transformed. They supposedly don't take any girls (or boys, if you want the "prince" hair package) after age 12, or so it is if you follow the rules. So, my daughter's new "friends" heard the she had never done BBB (her dad always dismissed the idea as too expensive and I never had the money myself), so they convinced her that they wanted her to get to feel special, too, as they had been to the Boutique a number of times before and it was supposed to be a lot of fun. One of her friends even gave my daughter the money to pay for most of the hair package. We would have to buy a dress because Disney princess dresses only go up to size 12, which is nowhere near my daughter's size. My daughter has much eastern European stock in her genetics. She couldn't fit anything in the children's section of any clothing store after age 8 due to her height and bone structure (okay, also excess girth and early onset of puberty). 

So, we made what would be the first and last reservation for my daughter at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique and bought an "Elsa" dress online (horrible dress that did not fit well though it was the largest size available, was intentionally split up the middle in the front past the panty line instead of along the side so I had to make an underskirt for it, had all its gems fall off). My daughter was already self-conscious because she'd never gotten her hair done and never wears make-up except when performing in a dance recital. Plus, she is well aware that she is not "princess" sized. Saturday, we got up early so we could grab breakfast and park at the Magic Kingdom, then we took transportation to BBB at Downtown Disney. Her friends were barely waking up by the time we parked. She was feeling a little special because she would be able to share this magical moment with her friends. 

I was perturbed with the girls from the start, though. Her friends showed up late, despite the fact that they made their appointments for a few minutes earlier than my daughter's, telling me that they made their reservations before she got to make hers. It also turns out that this once-in-a-lifetime moment for my daughter was mere routine for these girls. The part that peeved me very much, besides their general bearing and attitude (want to see a diva princess? I got to spend the day with one of them!), was the fact that they not only lied to Disney, but also to my daughter. They made a big deal to my daughter about this not only being her first and last chance to do it, but also their last chance, implying that they were twelve. Both girls were well past their 13th birthday when we went. One had even turned 13 before making the reservation back in November. These girls are blessed with perfectly waif-like frames and they did look pretty in their get-ups. They took almost no time to get their hair, nails, and make-up done because they have the standard shorter shoulder-blade length hair cuts and they requested the standard princess buns. They were also seated 30 minutes before my daughter even got started. Oh, and my daughter took a bit longer because she has a full thick head of waist-length hair. The BBB staff were fantastic. My daughter really did feel special, and she was a great princess to work on, as she didn't complain or demand or fuss. Unfortunately, her friends (let's call them EJ for the one who opted to wear the belly dancer Jasmine outfit and SS for the Snow White) were done so much earlier than her that they wandered around the shop together and started giving her antsy looks (the ones that say "Come on! We're ready, so you should be too!) towards the end. To their credit, they didn't voice their impatience, they simply completely ignored my daughter while she was experiencing this special time for her. I wanted to make it special, too, so I opted to pay for the photo package so all three girls could have pictures of their time together. Not surprisingly, none of the other parents even thought to offer this. I paid for the whole thing together, as I didn't want to complicate things for the cashier with my daughter paying in cash and me paying for the photo package with my card. I told my daughter to use the cash to pay for lunch for the girls, since this is something I was going to offer them.

Okay, my rant is getting too long. I feel I've set up the situation enough. Let me summarize the next 8 hours we spent at the Magic Kingdom after the photo shoot. It became the EJ show from the moment we got there. If EJ didn't know what she was doing, then we stood around for too long waiting for her to make a decision. See, EJ thinks she's a Disney expert. She tells my daughter that her parents frequently drop her off at the Magic Kingdom (I don't know if she's been to the other parks) all by herself and she roams around chatting up the characters on Main Street. By the way, this is expressly forbidden by Disney policy, which requires all minors under 17 be accompanied by a ticket-bearing adult. EJ likes to brag about everyone knowing her at the parks and about getting to see this or do that all the time. She likes to believe that she knows all there is to know about Disney. She's also the impatient type. I had a feeling there would be trouble when we finally got to our first ride, after wandering around Main Street because EJ wanted to meet with the citizens of Main Street and she wanted to get SS to play her Sorcerers of the Magic Kingdom game so EJ could play hers. The wait time for our first ride said 40 minutes. She immediately wanted to walk to the other side of the land to get FastPassses. Keep in mind that we would have had to coordinate THREE different accounts--EJ's, SS and her mom, my daughter and I--to get the passes for everyone. We convinced her that any wait time under an hour was pretty good. By the way, we were on the ride in less than 15 minutes. 

Throughout the day, EJ led the way. She used SS as an excuse to play the Sorcerer's of the Magic Kingdom game, which is enjoyable, but it does require you to run around the land in which you're playing that particular event, going from portal to portal many times. EJ and SS ended up playing three of these events before my daughter pointed out that they had agreed to ride something else earlier. My daughter got hungry an hour before EJ decided that she was hungry. Thankfully, I had peanuts and water in my backpack so my daughter wouldn't collapse or lose her cool until we could finally stop for lunch, which was at the restaurant where EJ loved to eat, surprise, surprise. Oh, yeah, the girls wouldn't allow my daughter to buy them lunch. SS's mom paid for them instead (EJ's parents left after paying for her BBB session, but they left her with their credit card). That was when SS demanded that my daughter return the money she gave her (in friendship, I thought) because she didn't use it at BBB. I understand her point, but she also wouldn't listen to ours. It hurt my daughter a lot when SS made that demand. 

Because the two girls moved a lot faster than the rest of us, my daughter had to run to keep up with them. I gave up and continued to hobble along at the best pace I could keep without having an asthma attack (I have exercise-induced asthma, which kicks in if I go faster than my lungs can handle, or climb stairs). After 3 attractions picked by either EJ or SS's mom following lunch, I finally picked one for my daughter and I, and afterwards we said our good-byes. I had had enough of selfishness and the rain that dumped on us all day (which led the girls to hide their princess outfits and hair/makeup under ponchos all day) didn't help. 

The final straw, which prompted our leaving early, was when EJ took the phone of SS's mom and linked their 3 tickets together, getting them a FastPass for later that evening without either asking or consulting my daughter or I. That's downright rude. The whole day was the EJ show, though it was supposed to be a day for all the girls, but especially my daughter, to feel special. They merely used her as an excuse to dupe Disney into another session at Bibbidi Bobbidi Boutique. They merely used her as an excuse to get their parents to buy them annual passes and spend the day at Magic Kingdom all dolled-up. They used her as an excuse to feel like they were having pity on a poor plus-sized girl, only to ditch and ignore her most of the day. It hurts, it stings, and it smacks too much of the treatment my daughter gets from a majority of people who ever met her, with the exception of a few handful of people (my family, her best friend she's known since infancy, maybe one or two others she's met along the way, people from church). I'm sick and tired of people using my daughter as an excuse to do something for themselves!

*****************End Rant, Begin Positivity**********************

 Here's the lemonade to our lemons. Whenever I see that my daughter is getting used like this by others, two things happen. 1) My momma bear mode kicks in and I finally stand up for something--my daughter--that I should have been pushy about the entire time. 2) I feel, not really the need, but more like a compulsion to make up for it through my own actions so that my daughter can see that not everyone on this earth is going to treat her so badly. Every time since the divorce that my daughter has spent with her father and his chosen family, I spend the following trip to one of the Disney parks doing what she wants to do and listening to her thoughts/feelings about the visit or anything else she wants to get off her chest.

In essence, my daughter and I are growing a stronger bond ever time someone abuses her like this. The truth is, I would bond with her even if everyone else treated her as the special human being that we all deserved to be treated as, but it seems even more potent when our time together follows these negative experiences. I'm hoping that my daughter will also see that yes, there are many selfish people in the world who only care about themselves, but there are also good people who treat everyone with the respect that we all deserve. I'm hoping that the negative experiences are not dwelt upon, but that they highlight the positive experiences more. I want my daughter to learn from the bad times, but remember the good times.

Disney World Annual Pass--Best Workout Investment Ever

Even for people living from paycheck to paycheck, even for someone whose budget is so tight it occasionally not even an atom can slip through sometimes, there comes a time to indulge. For some people the indulgence is very modest and simple: a night at the movies, dinner at a real restaurant, a new article of clothing you've had your eye on for a while. For me, the biggest indulgence I made this year, when my life was thrown upside down and twisted inside out and I found myself emptying what little I had in my savings account just to buy groceries (I'm not counting the bed I bought because I don't believe anyone deserves to sleep on the floor), were the two Florida Resident annual passes I bought for myself and my daughter. Before you judge me, which you have no right nor not enough data to do so, I used my tax return to make the purchase. I had just enough, coupled with the credit card that I carefully worked hard to pay down, to pay for a short 4-day vacation for my daughter and I during her spring break this year. I upgraded our 3-day passes to the annual pass and I've never been happier.

After signing the divorce papers, essentially gaining my freedom for little-to-nothing in return, but still being chained to a man who never really loved me because he suddenly decided that he might want to get to know his now 12-year-old daughter through forced joint parental sharing (Florida does not use the term "custody" for some reason), I thought I might be on my way because I received a job offer in Orlando. Unfortunately, that turned out to be false advertising with a capital F; I was adamantly told the job was "training" and "marketing" when it turned out to be commission-based sales. Call a spade a spade. Painting it and splashing perfume on it is not going to change the fact that it's used to dig up the soil. So, after moving (and all the cost and personal investment that it entails), the company let me go in my second week. I'm not nearly as upset as people would expect. Let's just say that I tried to drink the Koolaid but found myself immune. But, that still leaves me in a city with no family or friends nearby and no income at the moment.

So, where does the Disney annual pass come into play? It has actually helped me keep my sanity and kept me from slipping too much further into depression. Because it is already paid for, I don't have to worry or feel guilty about driving down (roughly 30 minutes away from my apartment) to one of the parks to spend the day with my daughter. Parking is free, after all, with an annual pass and there is a discount for most non-food purchases.

Okay, I could probably pinch even more pennies by saving gas and staying home, or even driving to the local library since it is closer. That won't help as much, though. Taking my daughter to Disney once a week gives us time to really spend with each other. We don't have as many distractions and we're not as likely to do our own thing. Yes, I take some time out for myself while she rides one or two rides by herself, but this (for me) is more about giving her some independence than about me "getting a break" from my child. Honestly, I always feel insulted when someone implies that I need a break from my daughter. I love her like no one else. She is my reason for living. I don't like extended time away from her. I'm barely holding it together right now while she's visiting her father, which I feel forced into accepting as part of the divorce. So, yes, until I get a job we do spend time "together" doing other things throughout the week like watching TV or finding local events at bookstores. But those always feel like something meant for only one of us.

I now truly understand Walt's vision in creating Disneyland. There's just something about going to a Disney theme park that makes me want to actually spend time doing things together with the people who joined me that day. This is also the only time that I don't think about complaining about being outdoors, even though I pay for it the next day. See, if someone were to suggest going to a park for a walk or playing a sport outdoors, I might agree to go, but deep down I would moan about my allergies kicking in, making me miserable. I completely forget about that when I'm walking around a Disney park. I easily walk more than 4 miles on any given Disney trip, but I don't even think about it unless I keep track of it. Well, I feel it the next day when it's harder to get out of bed because I'm a little stiff and/or sunburned. That's where the workout part of the title comes in, by the way.

When my daughter and I go to a park, we go for a full day. Sometimes that means right at park opening, sometimes a couple hours into it. We usually don't leave until after dinner time. If it's not a Saturday, then we might even stay until park close (Sunday is Mass and I don't like either of us falling asleep during the service). We walk around so much as we meander from attraction to show to ride to shop. We take our time to enjoy the sites. The cell phones, iPods, or Nooks don't come out unless we're sitting down and we're finished eating or the line for the ride is longer than 30 minutes. I almost never Tweet or post to Facebook from the parks any more, at least not when I'm with my daughter, because I want to form memories, not memorials. I carry a backpack full of extra shirts and lots of drinks, so that's weight-lifting and I put on and take off the back to access the items within. There may be stair climbing or hill walking along the way. I don't notice all the exercise my body is getting because I'm enjoying myself so much. With this particular body, the less it knows it's getting a workout, the more it actually works to keep the weight manageable.

And the best part is probably the pricing plan. I know, I'm crazy. Disney must cost way more than a gym membership! Actually, I priced it out. My Florida Resident annual pass is under $520 a year, or under $45 a month. A local gym membership averages $50 per month at the minimum, plus the down payment of about 2 months-worth that's due when you join. Some gyms cost much more than that. And, if I were to go to a gym even weekly, then I would have to deal with my social anxiety. I know "fat" people are the ones who are supposed to go to the gym, but I can't get away from the stereotype that it's only well-toned people who actually use them. You can try to rationalize with me all you want. I'm still not going to feel comfortable in my current skin size to go to a gym even if it would help. At Disney, however, I'm working out without anyone having a reason to gawk at the walking land whale as she waddles along because they're all enjoying their own memories. I'm much less self-conscious in the anonymity of a theme park crowd than I am in a workout situation. I pack the extra shirt and supplies to freshen up halfway through my day, too, to reduce possible embarrassment and to feel better--I really don't want to be the one who's body odor ruins the wait for the next attraction. Plus, I'm sure my daughter would quickly get bored with a gym, assuming I could find one that would sign up a minor. I don't think she will tire of walking around Disney all day.

For me, the indulgence in the Walt Disney World annual pass is well worth the money. I not only get a weekly workout--five miles is a lot for an asthmatic with a bad hip--but I also get real mother-daughter time with the person who matters the most to me. Even though times are tough being an unemployed single mother, even though I continue to send out dozens (if not scores) of job applications each week hoping that I finally get a bite, even though my savings account is quickly drying up, I will do my darnedest to scrape up the money to renew our annual passes in the spring if I can. Who knows, I might end up losing weight in the process, too. Now that would be an added bonus.