When life throws you lemons, thank it for the snack

Tuesday, February 20, 2018

Freedom from Planning

The new year started off pretty rough for me. I don't know if I was overly emotional because of some chemical imbalance or if life's stresses got to me again. I made plans for my New Year's Day, the only day I had off from work and the only day I had to spend with my daughter before she left to stay with her dad for the rest of her break. I wanted to spend the day with my daughter, to catch a movie, walk around Disney Springs. My daughter had other ideas. She made plans for her entire holiday (going back to Thanksgiving, actually) with her friends. There wasn't a day for us to spend together because of my work schedule.

Don't get me wrong. I don't begrudge my daughter having friends and I am truly happy for her that she has so many people with whom she wants to spend her free time. This is a joy in life that I never really experienced--I'm not the "friend" type of person and I don't have people who just want to hang out with me. All of my friends have lives that will never involve me (I don't drink, or club, or do anything fun, and I'm poor, so I guess I'm not hanging out material). It really hurt, though, that the one day I was free to spend with her she chose to spend with a school friend instead. I was left in a lurch, alone and abandoned. So, after many tears and self-hatred mingled with self-pity (maybe, but not that much), I made my New Year's resolution. I decided that I wasn't going to make any plans this year. I have to amend that a little bit because it's nearly impossible to "just wing it" and still be a responsible adult.

What I do now is have contingencies and options, but no plans. I make no reservations or appointments (outside of doctor appointments because those are a necessity, but those are really someone else telling me when to go where). I have a mental short-list of things I would like to experience in a day or a time frame, but no deadlines for getting to them.

I expected a lot more stress from my decision to give up plans because my natural personality is the planner. In the Meyers-Briggs I am a judger, not a perceiver. Judgers take time to plan and observe before making decisions and they often have back-up plans of their back-up plans. Perceivers make snap decisions and have a tendency to wing it. I am the one who typically makes the itinerary, calls for the reservations, gathers the resources needed, informs people of their part or what is needed from them, researches the options and calls for input to make decisions. That's part of what my ex apparently didn't like about me--I was maybe too responsible and thought of too many facets when presented with a situation; I wasn't "fun" because I considered the consequences of actions and decisions.

Now, however, after pitching a private hissy-fit and deciding not to plan anything because it was all going to be for naught anyway, I find I have a greater sense of freedom. I don't have to worry about what happens when things don't go according to plan, when I have to pull out the Plan C file because A & B have been thwarted. I can enjoy my time a little more by "stopping to smell the roses", something I apparently forgot to include in many of my plans. I actually have a little less anxiety, less worry about getting things done by a deadline. Who wants a deadline on their recreational time anyway? I never realized that's what I was doing to myself.

I am watching my daughter and her friends learn to make arrangements involving multiple people. She understands that the more people you have involved, the more complicated things are to organize. I am learning to sit back and offer support as long as I am able--whenever I don't have a hard & fast obligation like work or Mass or a doctor's appointment. I am more flexible and, maybe, a little more accessible. I don't think about ME any more. I don't worry about getting to do what I want to do. For the next 2.5 years, I am a resource for my daughter. I might start making plans again when I have no one else who relies on me for their transportation and other resources. Then again, I may take the Crush route and "go with the flow" for a while longer.